I am sitting her listening to Debbie Boone ” you light up my life” on Oprah. Remember that ( back in the old days ). ahhhhh!!!! Ok enough of that… then it made me think how I always say “OK… ” when I just want to push the feelings aside. My therapist wants me to discuss my children, this is the big ” FUCK THAT”!!!( as I know I must own up to what I have done , I walked away) I really don’t know how to handle that feeling . I have been numbing it for so long that I am a stranger to that feeling. I went to get a glass of wine and as I stood pouring the wine… I broke !!! I broke for all the feelings  I should have felt along time ago. I broke for the shame that I numb daily.. I broke for the lost of their mother, I broke because I was ready to feel what was coming next. I will stop writing for  a moment and break some more …..
I know what is coming .. the shame, guilt, lost, remorse HURT, PAIN…. it comes in huge waves. It comes heavy and I am overwhelmed.
I let it out , as if it is the first time that  I have cried . Today I let it out and I cry for the lost of my children. 
Yes…. I am the mother! I am the lost mother.
I am ready to heal but it takes so much emotion from me that I look around for anything to numb the raw feelings .
I have 1 beer !!!! Damn !!!! And I look up and say thank you God… Let’s do this . I am ready to heal. 

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2 responses to “

  1. Powerful sh**. I have 3 grown sons — and crippling regret, shame and guilt over Mommy’s Lost Years (i.e. all of them). My middle son is bipolar — went undiagnosed for years (“just a lousy, lazy addict, like his mother…”) — I felt this one, it cut deeper than most. So I’m not the only one, huh…..

    Like

    • You are not the only one.. It is a hard pill to swallow , this I am sure you know already .. Thanks for your comments and support

      Like

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