I’m having such a difficult time keeping my head above water. I feel like a giant bundle of rawnerves. If someone touched me or looked at me in a compassionate way right now, I would shyaway because I’m afraid that the thin membrane holding all the hurt and confusion and worryinside would snap, leaving me a ridiculous puddle in some public place, AGAIN.
I dream of days gone by when I was capable, efficient, productive. When I was good at life. Sure, I was emotionally numb, but I FUNCTIONED. And all I can think is that it’s just not fair thatthere are no time outs on life while you’re healing from mountains worth of trauma’s from thebecause the more that comes to the surface, the less able I am to deal with everyday lifecan’t deal with the small stuff, let alone the huge, crises stuff, of which we have more thanour fair share right now. past stuff. I
I feel like I’m being weighed down and like I can’t breathe. Everywhere I turn there’s complication and things not working. And because I’m feeling so insane, I’m either distancingmyself from those who love me, or clinging to those who have limited emotional resources to help me and risking straining one of the most important relationships that I have.
I someone to hold me. Usually I’m a big, strong, , the one doing the holding; but I can’t do itanymore. I can’t pretend everything’s okay and just shrug it off anymore. I want to curl up andcry until I die of dehydration. There is so much emotion bottled up inside, so much I need to getit’s like poison flowing through my veins, It’s killing me. I can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do.
There have been a lot of things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of. If you name it, I probablydone it. I slept around, done drugs, smoked, drank, cussed, had abusive boyfriends, andspent time in jail. I don’t take care of my self, never have and I’m not sure if I ever will. I let people take advantage of me, when I say “No.” and they still ask, eventually I will say “Yes.”
My biggest shame I cannot even bring myself to discuss… but I know that unless I can let it out and find someway possible to forgive myself.. I will never find peace and maddnes and sorrowwill become who I will always be.
I feel like I’m drowning.
Something is going to catch up with me. They will realize I haven’t been doing anything. I need a new coping strategy. My avoiding things to not dealing with them only makes them snowball intosomething worse.
I have finally gone over the edge and the pain I feel because I watch you .. watching me. It hasshown me whole new kind of hurt and disappointment ..
Even in my darkest times I know .. I will return!! And that woman will have forgiven herself andnot trying to kill herself slowly day by day…
I start a very heavy treatment in a few days for my bipolar …the meds are already working ( a bit .. ) I have to save myself from falling .. or rather get back up.
The sun will surely shine again …
This too shall past.
- “Fail to plan and you plan to fail” – coping strategies for when life turns nasty. (iancaimercer.wordpress.com)