I was thinking about last night as I lay there sleepless was the fact that I’m a manic depressive person who needs drugs in order to cope. That’s my life now. Must excuse the lack of posting on this blog – but really not feeling a flow of words that wants to pour out. I could simply rant on and on about how the lack of money is a constant worry, but that’d get boring fast for you. But really, that is a vast well of worry for me. As well as the remorse for spending what I’ve spent on things I really didn’t need. pff!!!
I feel just like saying “I’m manic depressive, and so yeah, I’m crazy, move along, you’ll be better off for it”. Isn’t there so much more of me? But why then do some people not stick around? Is it due to my illness I’d guess? Because yes I do know that I’m ill. Not right in the mind. ???? Trying to appear sane, but feeling really rather broken.
Scared of being rejected, and yet acting in ways that people do reject me. And then I can’t fix them. Hence leading to a depression of sorts. But not a deep, dark, lasting, on-and-on-and-on one. Just a dip into feeling sorry for myself and then popping up to the level and thinking “life isn’t so bad, let’s try this again”.
I can feel a quick flash of anger, intense, and then it’s gone, with my feeling sorry that it happened.
Or intense sympathy for someone, but having to be taught to feel empathy for what that person feels about me.
Lamotrigne – It is working to a point to protect against the lows. But it isn’t protecting against the highs.
The euphoria of believing I can do things I can’t.
The tears of feeling sad, at times.
The inability of me to make proper, informed decisions and Actions that are measured, and thought out ahead of time.
Instead, I think => I act.
I act impulsively.
I react impulsively.
Trying to keep my mind from racing.
For alienating friends who care, but who are hurt by my stupid, thoughtless reactions to perceived hurts that don’t exist.
It’s like I need a stimulus to make me laugh and feel good, or I feel lonely. Doing day-to-day stuff aka crap just gets me in the dumps.
And yet, still people just walk away from me.
Alienate me because I don’t act “right”. A great description of mania is this.
Think of a gas pedal of a car pressed to the floor. Hear that engine race? Think of that as the brain.
Now, keep that up for oh 2 to 3 months. That’s the wear and tear, and the terror, and the lack of sleep that leads to really poor decision making.That’s what leads to 3 hrs of sleep, then back up and let’s keep going! Mind is in gear, and lets go, fast, rudderless basically, but we’re going! That’s mania, in a nutshell.