Not bad exactly, but not good.

I’m having one of those kinds of days again. Not bad exactly, but not good. I feel lonely and anxious and today I wish I was normal. The sun didn’t come out today and it won’t come out tomorrow. I have to wait until Thursday.

I am alone. At least, I feel alone. And, it’s my own fault.
This loneliness is self-inflicted. I push people away. I don’t want anyone to get too close for fear that they won’t like what they see.
I’m constantly on the lookout for the beginnings of mania and depression. I still have bad days when I’m depressed for the day or I have horrible anger, but I’m pleased to say that the hallucinations are gone. I still have insomnia problems, but I’ve learned to deal with it by taking naps and trying to get more sleep. I am working on it. Now it’s time to work on being less reserved. I once was bubbly and friendly. The Bipolar has made me scared to be myself. I think I’m a monster inside. Why would I share that with others? I need to be less terrified and put myself out there. What’s the worst that could happen?

And once again the sleeping problems..
I went down on the meds last week in the hopes that it would control my sleeping patterns better, but it’s not working. I think that I’m going to have to come off it all together. This is an awful time to be coming off my antidepressant, but I don’t want to go over to mania. That will just lead me to a big crash and a big depression.
I am still feeling OK.. Think I will crawl into bed and read..
and pray for a good night s sleep.

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