I have been coming to terms with my bipolar and that must include my addiction to almost everything.
I have sat down and had this conversation with myself over and over again during the years.. I have had this conversation with my God again. I am going to fight.. I am scared. It hurts, I am not me.
This blog is about me and some of you dealing with addiction and RECOVERY!! Chasing the highs, intense emotions, turbulent relationships, drug binges – the trail of devastation is long in your life….
“A drug addict or alcoholic is constantly chasing something elusive. They pursue the high or buzz all the time, but that’s not really what they are after. People drink or use drugs excessively because they want to change their reality. Something in real life is just too much to handle.”
Oh how true …Drugs and drinking created a calm mind, at least this is why i think I could not just say NO. Worrying became an all-consuming problem. A bipolar manic phase can create a lot of disruption and mental strain. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol. Even when I knew it was a bad idea, drinking and using helped the anxiety lessens. The wild flighty thoughts are less numerous. The endless string of depressing thoughts breaks apart for a while. I kept chasing the numbing sensation from my heavy drug and alcohol use. What I really needed was a calm healthy mind.
Without the substance as a crutch, I felt like I didn’t have much to contribute.
Today my mind is calm….however the cravings are there, I am smoking more and more (cigs ) but I will deal with that later.
Wow being bipolar isn’t all that bad.. I am feeling again( because now i understand that it wasn’t all me , maybe that is my way of blaming …. it’s working )
I am going to get some more cigs… have a good night .