You know when you can sing again, when you can feel sunshine on your face again, when the color comes back into your life- the manic and or depression is starting to break. What a relief it is to be able to feel again.
When your compassion returns, when you can write again, when you can take the time to fix your nails or hair- these are all signs that you are out of the woods. When you can remember what you did yesterday and the fog leaves your mind, when you can hold your chin up high again- it sinks in, you’re getting better.
When you don’t have to fake a smile and you finally put some effort into making others smile as well, when it doesn’t annoy you to hear laughter, when every muscle in your body doesn’t hurt- you are well on your road to recovering some would say but I say acceptance.
I keep so much inside.
But sometimes I just have to be me and let those emotions fly. I know it’s safe to cry in front of my close friends. I know I can call my mom if I need to talk. I wish I could trust my emotions, but I’m not there yet. I use extreme emotional restraint, especially at work. I’m somewhat cautious around friends and relatives. It takes real effort not to fall off the deep end, or to fly off the deep end.
I have to not get caught up in the mania. Life is so exciting ( at times ) when I am in a manic state, and I feel bigger than I am. There are days when I don’t value life, days when I don’t enjoy it. In mania, there are moments when I embrace every second, as if it were my last, and we love life like I never thought was possible. The colors become so beautiful, circles of light embrace the soul. Yes, I ( we) have good days and bad days, like nobody else.
Today.. is as normal as it gets for me.. even more so. I am making an attempt to have a healthy home cooked meal. ( I hate cooking for myself ) I also took the time today to do my nails and paid a little added attention to my hair.. with throwing the curling iron across the room( or finding a reason to have a drink ). I have been mellow for about a week.. I have a hard time keeping interested in anything but I can at least read and want to talk to family and friends …
So who knows what tomorrow will bring.. Tonight I am OK..