…You saw this coming, didn’t you? Ending any post with, “I’m doing okay” means… Be careful, the shit is about to hit the fan. But not always. Sometimes it is easier to just keep thinking “hey , everything is great.. I am fine and keep going ” I sometimes feel this is the inner me fighting to stay on top of the B.S that can and would come out if I allow myself to get so far.. OK , maybe I am not making much sense at the moment. I do not feel manic nor depressed today. I just feel ” like me”.
But I am waiting for something to happen to put me into drama , crisis or whatever you choose to call it. Then it hits me … No drama today. I feel as if my ” self wishing and talking will overcome any battle I face today )
I had a good day today. I had one of those days where my self esteem was stroked like a purring little kitten.
I am slowly getting back into the routine of things. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I am really confused and excited all at the same time! Work has been quite hard but good recently. I identified a number of potential errors and did my best to correct them. It was a stretch for me to do this but after the initial anxieties of calling people I did enjoy it. It is Saturday and my weekend starts on Friday, so Thursday doing what any normal bipolar would do I had the need to enjoy and party a bit. Friday was spent recovering Pffff

Today on this bright Saturday morning I awoke to the feeling that I had many things to do. I felt good.. I still feel OK, I also checked the mailbox this morning and I finally got my invitation to call and be seen by the top Dutch doctor here in Amsterdam. I am very happy about that but it means having to start yet another relationship and tell my “story”. again . I felt very comfortable with my doctor now but he admits that he hasn’t had many dealings with” someone like me ” Great!!!
Me as a whole just wants what everyone wants.. happiness and someone to share that with.

I so want to make friends, I love people and I hate being on my own. I am making really good progress and I have my own blog, which I have been writing for just over a 3 weeks now.

I have suffered in silence most of my life – When I kept getting diagnosed with depression and prescribed more drugs I said I thought I had social phobia. It has taken me years and been so difficult to get any help! I want to share my experience in the hope that it may help others. Mainly I write for myself, it is my new freedom into my mind. I haven’t had many people reading my blog yet. I am a bit afraid to allow it to merge with my address book. I mean I am on every social network you can think of… but what about work and my coworkers reading this. I have a part of me that says it will be helpful for them to understand me … but also to see inside a very personal part of my life. I do not feel ashamed of my bipolar anymore .. but I do have moments when I may just write anything , only to wake up the next day to hear “hey so and so is very upset about what you wrote. should I care , since starting this blog I feel that my feelings get to come out .. I haven’t allowed myself to really get that personal but I feel that I am on my way.

I am trying to make myself happy :o(

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