It’s all coming back to me

I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on my life. I need to be more responsible for my life instead of waiting for it to happen to me. I need to make it happen. I need to get out of my house and into the world. I’m unhappy with the way my life is going, so I have to try and find a new balance. I need to make it happen. I need to get out of my house and into the world. I find that my days are filled with fatigue and unhappiness. I don’t want this out of my life. I want sunshine and happiness. Today I did get out and I felt a bit lonely because I was alone and it was Valentines day.. Still I made myself go into the city .. Amsterdam. I don’t want to live my life worried I’ll be taken over by the Bipolar Monster. I just want inner peace. I am trying very hard to not let myself get caught up in this.. I want to shine again. I did need a little help that comes in the form of a pill. I took a Xanax and felt guilty. Why should I feel guilty? I only use it when the anxiety gets so bad. ( Had my problems with that too, so I am careful) But the haters out there will point their finger at me and tell me that Xanax is as evil as heroin. I had a delightful day in the city . Thinking about relationships… that is a big thing to me. I seem to feel more than most . I just take every word to the heart. Now I am faced with the online dating , pff!! Most people here are either too young, or my age/older and already settled down. Don’t smirk. I got as far as perusing the website for potentials, and I must say it did my ego well when I saw how many “hits” I got. I even thought about having dinner with someone. I chickened out. 😦 How do you find that appealing person between cheesy and arrogant, the guy that understands your needs but has a bit of macho in him without becoming abusive). I used to be a strong believer in The Fates; now I’m not sure.
I should have gone out in a ‘blaze of glory’ or something. As much as I say this, as much as I try to be realistic, there is still that knight-in-shining-amour hope. Rush in, drive me crazy, fill me with words and the inability to sleep. I try to express my opinions on things, to have the confidence to say what I think, but people think that I’m just saying this to be different. I’m not. I just don’t have the same opinions as you. Well I am looking into this and will keep writing. At the moment it is all new and I need to just jump in… Or have I not given a person I know whom I shared the best times of my life a fair chance at getting to know me again… That is another story… Tonight I feel OK, I am warm , happy and already feeling like getting into a warm bed. Now that is what I call GREAT!!! It means tomorrow I will be rested. And when I am rested good things happen… Happy Valentines !

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