talking to myself in the mirror


I went to work today it was a major event starting with yesterday.. of course I had to prepare myself for the upcoming struggle. ( you see this is just not right …)

Anyway I made it and it went fine , all 4 hours!!!
Took all my pills last night. Well, I almost always take all my pills, but, there’s the dance I do with taking and then not taking the pills that had me so wired and excited yesterday, until it got to be night.
No matter how crazy you get, you can always turn back from that black hole of madness and find peace.
I talk to myself in the mirror, say the things I want to say to the people in my life or even the pretend people that I somehow believe are in my life. Now I’m looking back on this decade and I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and I’m also too hard on myself to recognize anything that I might be doing right. If I didn’t have bipolar disorder and if I slept less, I could be so much more productive, it seems. For now, I will get into bed to make sure I sleep the mania away.
I have realized that the dance of controlling my mood swings–the hypomania, the depressions, the pills, the therapy–that’s who I am.
Its the emptiness inside that is eating me. and it’s getting worse. today I am in half-blown panic mode. and it hurts. I hide. I break. silently. I can’t fight it, its stronger than me.
It’s that time again… to shut up and shallow that damn pill.
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