Reoccurring thoughts!!!!

I remember the day I was diagnosed like it was yesterday. I was deep into a dark October depression, the sky was overcast and I hated my life. I was just coming off a rollercoaster summer of pure mania and I was now in the crash. I left my doctor’s office and drifted down the street. Do I really have bipolar disorder? What is bipolar disorder? Do I have to take medication for the rest of my life? Is this diagnosis right? Am I crazy? My world was spinning and I . But I had this little / big thing called bipolar. Little did I know, this diagnosis would be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. ( mmm maybe that was a bit over the top ) Diagnosis shows you that much of your past behaviour, that you thought was being driven by you, was in fact being uncontrollably driven by a chemical imbalance in your brain. It gives you answers as to why the reoccurring, mad socializing, drinking, partying, spending and acting reckless happens and why this suddenly ends unannounced and you now can’t leave your house or talk to anyone for months because you are so depressed. All those unexplainable and irrational past experiences and decisions now have an answer that makes sense. This affects me in everyway possible and has for many year.. my employment is important to me yet these days , if I even make it to the office I have taken a step forward and can smile. I have been on leave for about 3 months and I have just started back… baby steps. 8 hours a week. ( big drop from a 40 hour work week.. I have understanding employers )My job was getting more stressful each week, and the “up” and “down” times were coming more often. My friends said that I was acting very different from my usual self. I kept telling them that everything was fine, there was no problem, and to leave me alone. Then, all of a sudden, I couldn’t keep it together. I stopped going to work and stayed in bed for days at a time. I felt like my life wasn’t worth living anymore . It sometimes seems like the world isn’t made for us ( bipolar). Like we don’t fit the mold of what a human being should be

Most employers don’t workers who will suffer uncontrollable bouts of depression or mania. Therefore I consider myself lucky today.. or forever long this will last. In my personal world chasing a restful night’s sleep seems to be a never-ending quest. Over doing it with just about everything is normal to me. I have strange feeling about living without some kind of substance in my body. When I was younger it was much worst but I had to fall many times before I was ready to have any understanding for what was happening… It was not pretty at all. I now look back at it as something that had to happened , I now can understand the reasons for the need to abuse myself in such a way.. and to such a high level. I often wondered why I had the desire to avoid reality and have a constant party. I think it was mainly being driven by a desire to feel OK, and yes good. But not to party all the time. Is it more about NOT feeling like crap, or wanting to be on a cloud? Time is gone and never comes back.. so I have to think do I want to escape all the time? The answer is no I just want to be OK with me to feel OK. I have just taken a break smoke a cig( habit at a time ) and now I am re- reading this blog. In my mind I think it makes sense… does it to you ??? Thanks for listening ……..


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